Thursday, October 18, 2012

31 and two.

Today, I am officially more pregnant than I have ever been: 31 weeks and two days.

Chloe. 31 weeks .
It has been nearly impossible, during this third-go around at a baby, to stay focused solely on the present. I've found myself reliving my pregnancy with Lily and all the trauma of that first delivery and NICU stay. I will never forget missing her first 24 hours of life, while being confined to a hospital bed. It feels the same for Chloe: those first 24 hours, while I was being pumped through of magnesium sulfate in an effort to stabilize my body after severe preeclampsia,  Chloe did not have a mother to hold her.

I will forever be trying to make up for those 24 hours. It is time I cannot get back. It is time I will never forget.

I may walk (well now, waddle) my way through my days and nights and doctors appointments and meetings as if I am tough as nails: it is all I have, this false confidence, this chip on my shoulder, this, this refusal to ever let preeclampsia be the public victor.

But, I am scared. I am scared to lose another 24-hours.

And I scared of your fear and concern too. Every time, someone tells me to take it easy, to rest, to relax; I think:

What do you know? what aren't you telling me? Is it going to happen again? Will it be worse? Am I no going to make it? Do you see dark shadows around my head?

Because I am scared. I scared for The Boy. I am scared for my girls. I am for my husband. I am scared for myself.

I have no road map to 31 and two. I have no idea what my body will will do or won't do. I have no idea where preeclampsia has hidden itself--my blood pressure? my kidneys? my feet? my hands? my liver? my heart? Or is it simply gone--off to hunt another mother, while I simply feel haunted.

1 comment:

  1. Fears and concerns are normal, what can you do..you have been there and done that BUT keep remembering....EVERY PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT!! That said, it's easier for me to say because it's not me. I love you and keep you and Baby Boy Adkins in my thoughts everyday!!!

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