Monday, September 26, 2011

Ten Reasons Why My Life Could be a Reality TV Show

Me, as Junie B. Jones, apparently.
Everyday things become slightly more surreal and everyday I wonder, what is the point to all this drama, exactly?

And then my TiVo reminds me: the potential for a reality TV show, of course.

Although I am not certain which network would pick me up, I am certain that my life could be a reality TV show. Here are my top ten reasons (subject to change, depending on how the wind blows). *

1. I am now a half-orphan (I refer to myself as the Orphan Carrington-Adkins). Like Annie, I have a dog. Unlike Annie, I am not a redhead (but could be, if you want me to be).  Fortunately, my singing voice requires some electronic enhancements like Luanne (the Countess) on the RHofManhattan.

2. Once, not so long ago, family members refused to attend my own darling father's funeral (see #1). This was because I have an evil half-sister who everyone is afraid of (perhaps my show could be on the Disney Channel, it is all very Cinderella). Please note: the evil half-sister is also invisible and was not at funeral. She does not even know about it, unless she does actually have that crystal ball.


3. My mother wants to move in with us--but only if there are two different Dollar Stores within one mile of our home. If not, she is willing to move in with my 3rd cousins who are afraid of mythological half-sister (see #2).

4. There is the whole kid with a brain tumor thing and the constant fear of more brain tumors. Scary, real shit.

5. My youngest daughter likes to dance on a pole (she is 2 1/2) and refers to herself as CoCo Chanel. My oldest daughter likes to dress in furry costumes ( Clifford, Donald Duck, Care Bears) and wants to be Rachael Ray.

6. I am without meaningful and steady employment. Like everyone else in reality, I am writing a book. I am not against writing a cook book.  I've worked for Australians who required me to drop the F-bomb (for emphasis) during conference calls with the World Health Organization. I've worked for bosses who require me to help their children puke.  I've written about meat, wine, cheese and school boards. Once, I had to teach a yoga class and pretend I was Skipper, Barbie's younger sister. And yet, I still require an intern to manage it all, which I will find on Craigslist and who, if their home is ideally located (see #4), will take in my mother.

7. I often curse while praying. I am not sure what God thinks about the F-bomb, exactly. But if he is anything like the World Health Organization, he will accidentally kick me off the conference call. However, I am persistent and faithful.

8. It is not unreasonable to believe that I could be arrested for something. Nothing serious, but something strange. I lack an example or the specifics, but trust me, it is entirely possible and will most likely involve a school official.

9. I am building empires, that are as disconnected as my electricity with be if I don't get a reality show soon.  Like knitting hats that look like cupcakes (my knit hat empire), making homemade fudge (fudge empire), teaching yoga to brides (yogini-wedding-empire), writing books (author empire) and starting new brilliant blogs (brilliant blog lady empire).

10. My husband asks dead people for advice, including Abe Lincoln. Maybe it is an ex-Illinois boy thing or maybe our reality show will appear right after reruns of Paranormal Activity.

*Note: If you think I am crazy, wait until you meet my friends.

7 comments:

  1. I'm your friend. Oh that's right... I must be in the sequel to your reality show!

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  2. I enjoyed this so much. I'm going to blog my own. I don't judge you. 've got at least 10 equally whacky things to discuss. Although, I don;t get the whole mythological step-sister thing!?!?

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  3. Sadly, I can relate to too many things on your list. Thanks for the laugh and smile. Best wishes!

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  4. Michelle--I have a half sister, who is mythologically evil. And no joke, people did not come to my Dad's funeral for fear of her. All malarky. And hysteria. And truthfully, shameful. If I don't laugh, I will (and have) cry.

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  5. Meanwhile all I can think about is Skipper. And how I completely forgot she existed.

    Poor Skipper -- and her less than awesome name -- who can't live up to Barbie. What a total bummer.

    I do about 10 randomly awkward things a day: I wakeup and put my eyebrows on, then I talk to my cat like she can understand me, pretend like I'm going to diet, debate on who has a bigger toe -- Fred Flintstone or me --, bronze my face so no one knows I'm a vampire that sparkles, remember that I have a child that needs to get an edumakation and that she should probably be on time for that, and then self-congratulate my vanity by blogging.

    And that's before 10 am.

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  6. You are awesome. And I would totally be your intern....except I don't have room for your Mom....unless she wants to sleep in my creeepy basement. :)

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