|Me, as Junie B. Jones, apparently.|
And then my TiVo reminds me: the potential for a reality TV show, of course.
Although I am not certain which network would pick me up, I am certain that my life could be a reality TV show. Here are my top ten reasons (subject to change, depending on how the wind blows). *
1. I am now a half-orphan (I refer to myself as the Orphan Carrington-Adkins). Like Annie, I have a dog. Unlike Annie, I am not a redhead (but could be, if you want me to be). Fortunately, my singing voice requires some electronic enhancements like Luanne (the Countess) on the RHofManhattan.
2. Once, not so long ago, family members refused to attend my own darling father's funeral (see #1). This was because I have an evil half-sister who everyone is afraid of (perhaps my show could be on the Disney Channel, it is all very Cinderella). Please note: the evil half-sister is also invisible and was not at funeral. She does not even know about it, unless she does actually have that crystal ball.
3. My mother wants to move in with us--but only if there are two different Dollar Stores within one mile of our home. If not, she is willing to move in with my 3rd cousins who are afraid of mythological half-sister (see #2).
4. There is the whole kid with a brain tumor thing and the constant fear of more brain tumors. Scary, real shit.
5. My youngest daughter likes to dance on a pole (she is 2 1/2) and refers to herself as CoCo Chanel. My oldest daughter likes to dress in furry costumes ( Clifford, Donald Duck, Care Bears) and wants to be Rachael Ray.
6. I am without meaningful and steady employment. Like everyone else in reality, I am writing a book. I am not against writing a cook book. I've worked for Australians who required me to drop the F-bomb (for emphasis) during conference calls with the World Health Organization. I've worked for bosses who require me to help their children puke. I've written about meat, wine, cheese and school boards. Once, I had to teach a yoga class and pretend I was Skipper, Barbie's younger sister. And yet, I still require an intern to manage it all, which I will find on Craigslist and who, if their home is ideally located (see #4), will take in my mother.
7. I often curse while praying. I am not sure what God thinks about the F-bomb, exactly. But if he is anything like the World Health Organization, he will accidentally kick me off the conference call. However, I am persistent and faithful.
8. It is not unreasonable to believe that I could be arrested for something. Nothing serious, but something strange. I lack an example or the specifics, but trust me, it is entirely possible and will most likely involve a school official.
9. I am building empires, that are as disconnected as my electricity with be if I don't get a reality show soon. Like knitting hats that look like cupcakes (my knit hat empire), making homemade fudge (fudge empire), teaching yoga to brides (yogini-wedding-empire), writing books (author empire) and starting new brilliant blogs (brilliant blog lady empire).
10. My husband asks dead people for advice, including Abe Lincoln. Maybe it is an ex-Illinois boy thing or maybe our reality show will appear right after reruns of Paranormal Activity.
*Note: If you think I am crazy, wait until you meet my friends.